A “people pleaser” means a person who feels a strong need to please others, even at their own cost. They may feel that their wants and needs are unimportant, so they alter their personalities in order to make others happy. Often, we engage in people pleasing unconsciously or witness people around us doing that, but we often fail to comprehend the underlying causes of this tendency. Let’s analyze and understand the reasons behind it, and give it some contemplation. Some common factors behind it are:
• Low self- esteem
• A childhood trauma
• Avoidance of conflict
• Low self esteem: People who have low self-esteem are dependent on the external validation, and approval of others to feel confident. They feel good, when others shower them with compliments. They unconsciously base their esteem on outer appreciation, and seek reinforcement of value from others. They also feel they are less worthy and deserve less in comparison to others, holding onto fears of rejection. They find it difficult to accept disapproval, and unknowingly put their self- worth on others’ opinions, which keeps them stuck in the vicious cycle of people pleasing.
• A childhood trauma: Psychologists say that people pleasing also stem from childhood, where the caregivers emotional neglect towards the child makes them abandon their sense of self, in order to maintain their relationship with their parents. It’s a mechanism for survival. This pattern continues in adulthood, whereby we make life choices exclusively to gain approval. An underlying fear exists, and disapproval is perceived as a threat to their sense of self.
• Avoidance of conflict: People who find it difficult to manage conflict tend to resort to people pleasing, as a coping way to avoid disagreements. They tend to act out of alignment with their own selves, by not asserting themselves and conforming to others values and beliefs. They also struggle with authenticity, and fail to express their true feelings and beliefs. Instead of being straight forward, they tend to take an indirect and twisted route to meet their needs.
These are some common factors causing people pleasing behaviors. Let's pause and observe ourselves deeply to see if there is any such pattern within us. I'll cover how to break free of this habit and move onto our most genuine selves in my upcoming piece. Stay tuned.
Best wishes to all readers!
